If you want to have more effective conversations with neurodivergent colleagues, we invite you to see things differently with us. Every Friday we offer a new lens on neurodiversity. Plus tips, free resources, and updates on the upcoming books: Lens Not Label and Uncontained.
What Poppy knows (and we easily forget)
Published 22 days ago • 5 min read
Lens Not Label
See things differently.
13 August 2026
Happy Friday Wednesday, Reader! As we hinted at last week, this edition is coming to you early, as we have something exciting and timely to share. But first, a bit more from our book…
Poppy’s Dilemma
Great conversations aren’t just about the words you use, or even how you say them, although that matters. Conversations are great when we communicate in a way where we can both be ourselves.
My co-author Claire Pedrick takes a selfie with Poppy.
While we were writing Lens Not Label, my co-author Claire divulged a secret: she never liked dogs very much (and they never seemed to like her).
Her friends have an anxious Cocker Spaniel named Poppy. Whenever Claire and her husband Mike stayed there, Poppy would run in circles around the room. By the end of the weekend, everyone was stressed and exhausted. They didn’t know how to be around her and Poppy could sense their wobble.
But then Claire started walking her neighbour’s dog, Millie, every lunchtime. Soon, Millie was spending afternoons at her feet. When the neighbour got a puppy, Mollie, she also became part of Claire’s world.
Some time after, Claire and Mike spent another weekend with Poppy, who was still energetic but much calmer. They still didn’t know how to be with her, but their attitude to dogs had changed through afternoons with Millie and Mollie. They had learned to relax. Poppy picked up on how much less bothered they were.
When Fear Dogs Us
How people experience you is also influenced by how you carry yourself. Your confidence, or lack of, impacts how you communicate and how that communication is received.
What happens when you are perceived as being similarly fearful around a colleague? Or conversely, what if you’re like Poppy, reflexively absorbing whatever energy is in the room, running in circles and accidentally stressing everyone out?
More Than Making Sounds
There are many things going on in any interaction. It may be useful to zoom in on three of them:
How you feel
What you express (your stance)
How that’s received
In the example above, Claire started out feeling fearful. Therefore, her stance in the room was disinterested and cautious. How this landed (especially with the dog) created a loop of anxiousness, stress, and exhaustion.
As Claire’s feelings of comfort grew through successful interactions with Millie and Mollie, her stance on dogs shifted. It was no longer “don’t like dogs / they don’t like me” and more of “I’m fine around dogs. They’re fine with me.” And that was received much better.
Finding Your Spot
Where and how you stand (your stance) on any matter is shaped by what you have learned, your experiences, and how you perceive the world around you.
You will have feelings, opinions, experience and knowledge about neurodiversity. Even if you’ve had no formal training. Knowing where you stand in any conversation is the starting point of working out what to do. It is crucial for trust and partnership. And that takes conscious effort.
There is humility in knowing where you stand. In The Human Behind The Coach, Claire writes that: “humility is part of presence — being with another. It comes from an internal stance where you can give your full attention while at the same time being unattached to the outcome.” She calls this stance “being attentively not bothered.” and goes on to say, “If [a conversation] is a partnership, you need to be equal enough.”
When you are concerned with your status, you may not easily recognise what others are doing in the conversation. The challenge is to notice both positions without giving too much credence to them so that you can be present in the conversation.
In other words, notice where you stand and where your reactions are coming from. Acknowledge that other people may experience the same things differently, and that can lead to struggles, stresses or distractions that you won’t have.
Acknowledging your own stance will help you understand where you need to go, what needs to be different and what needs to stay the same. When you recognise where we’re coming from and how we’re standing, we can move forward together from a place of shared understanding.
If You Want to Take This a Bit Further
The story above has been adapted from the opening section of Chapter 2 in our upcoming book, Lens Not Label: a conversational guide for working more effectively with neurodivergent people.
At the end of every chapter, we provide some guidance, reflection questions, and a tl;dr summary. We’ve shared a portion of this from Chapter 2 here:
Awareness in yourself and for others will enable you to more easily see where the common ground is, the place where you both can safely stand. Also recognise that in work or coaching conversations, the stakes may be high and the backstory complex. That makes it even more important (and maybe trickier) to know where you stand.
As you think about the people you converse with regularly, start to notice your own reactions, thoughts and biases. Notice how your communication is landing with us so that you can see when you might offer a bit of repair as miscommunications occur, or redirect when things veer off in an unexpected direction. Even better, ask us how it is landing.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
What’s your first response when someone tells you they are neurodivergent?
What’s in your backstory that impacts how you work with neurodivergent people?
How comfortable are you with not knowing (what to do, what to say, how this will go)?
TL;DR
Effective conversations with neurodivergent people begin with asking us and believing what we say, as well as recognising that our needs may change. Your stance — shaped by your feelings and biases — impacts the interaction. Acknowledging your own and our position, with attention and humility, is the foundation for a trusting partnership.
Want to learn more about how to work with someone who is neurodivergent?
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This Week Only!
Lens Not Label is a conversational guide for managers, leaders and coaches who want to overcome their fear and gain the confidence to truly connect…without labels, jargon, and clunky models. In bookstores this November.
Outside of the UK? You can pre-order your copy here.
In other book news…
Over the past two weeks, I've met with several neurodivergent coaches to discuss their experiences of coaching people who think differently (or similarly!) to themselves. Several themes are emerging, which we're excited to put into our next book, Uncontained. If you have some thoughts to share, it's not to late to fill out our survey.
This afternoon, I'm excited to start exploring book cover designs for Uncontained as well. The title and topic naturally lends itself to some creative opportunities. If this sort of thing gets your creative juices flowing too, feel free to hit reply with your thoughts!
With a wide lens, Kim, Claire, and Nathan
If you know someone who wants to improve their conversations with difference, please encourage them to join in here:
You don't need to become an expert. You just need to see differently.
If you want to have more effective conversations with neurodivergent colleagues, we invite you to see things differently with us. Every Friday we offer a new lens on neurodiversity. Plus tips, free resources, and updates on the upcoming books: Lens Not Label and Uncontained.
