What’s the best way to work with someone who is neurodivergent?
That's the question that inspired the book, Lens Not Label. And here's the short answer:
Ask.
It is that simple. And simple is often hard.
While the long answer (the book) doesn't come out until November, we'd like to tackle one small aspect of the hard part here: the barriers we all face when asking people about what they might need.
(The following has been adapted from part of Chapter 8 of the book, Lens Not Label)
What are the barriers to asking?
Some of them include:
- lacking confidence about finding the right words
- fearing we'll appear weak or awkward
- worries that we're giving away power
- concern about how the answer will be used
- uncertainty about how the question will be received, e.g. as a challenge or threat
- worries about being misunderstood or overcomplicating things
These are all natural concerns. Additionally, as neurodivergent people, we may often misread non-verbal cues (like a frown as disapproval)…we may later find out you actually agreed with us!
You can’t assume and you won’t understand what’s actually happening until you ask and find out. And you won’t get the full story. You can only work with what you have, with a set of tools and skills that might be useful. Then we can work out how to use them together.
But It Was Only a Question!
As neurodivergent people, we will have had past experiences of microaggressions disguised as sincere-looking questions (this is commonly referred to on social media as “sealioning”). This may make us wary. Here are a few things to be aware of when preparing your question:
- Unexpected behaviour changes: A sudden change in how you talk with us can be seen as odd, threatening, or insincere. If you’re going to apply what you’re reading here, go slowly and let us know you’re learning
- Your intention may be unclear: does it feel like you are steering the conversation or have an ulterior motive rather than seeking a genuine, open-ended response?
- We might not have the answer or energy to engage today: not knowing the answer, feeling pressure to respond, or simply lacking the interest or energy can lead us to disengage.
- We may have personal or professional reasons for not engaging: it might be the topic itself, or not wanting to have a conversation with you about it
A question is an invitation. Clear ones work best. Like open invitations, open questions don’t always work for Autistic people or those of us who struggle with ambiguity and vagueness. “Can you come up with five ideas?” can be easier to answer than “What do you think?”
It’s All Very Well, But…
Your question is an invitation to a conversation. We don’t have to accept it. The important bit is that you asked. What if we don’t know? Evade? Don't answer? Don't want to be asked?
Let “I don’t know” be a great answer. You can work out together what to do next.
If you’re a manager, consider waiting as a first-line strategy, if possible. If you need to skip past cooperative conversations and go to direct communications from a managerial standpoint, that's a power shift. Make it clear that’s what you’re doing.
If you’re a coach, try not to step further into the conversation than we are. Or we will be watching you have the conversation on your own. Your discomfort may accidentally lead you into telling or teaching mode. To stay on equal footing, learn to tolerate this discomfort.
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Every chapter of Lens Not Label ends with a “tl;dr” summary (tl;dr is internet slang for “too long, didn't read”). Here's the one for Chapter 8, which covers more than barriers to asking:
tl;dr for Chapter 8: Useful To Do – Ask
- To work well with us, aim for shared conversation and clarity.
- Acknowledge there might be a backstory.
- Make every conversation the right size.
- Ask questions that will help us to engage and be our best.
What would you add? What are you curious to know more about? Let us know and we'll include something about it in an upcoming newsletter.
Now onto this week's book updates…
